


markless

by n7punk



Series: Outside of the War - She-ra canon stories [7]
Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Chronic Pain, F/F, Hiding Medical Issues, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:06:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26424589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/n7punk/pseuds/n7punk
Summary: The problem is not She-ra. The problem is Adora. She is too weak to wield her.Or, She-ra’s healing process and its traces.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Series: Outside of the War - She-ra canon stories [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1793227
Comments: 11
Kudos: 343





	markless

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is inspired by how Noelle described She-ra’s healing factor leaving Adora with pain in her fic. As someone who has chronic pain, and lowkey canon information confirming Adora does too, I had to write something about it. This was my daily life before I had corrective surgery. I actually gave Adora a much more mild experience, just based off how Noelle described it.

Adora’s first night in Bright Moon is hard for a lot of reasons. The dull pain aching through her body is hardly worth noticing in comparison to everything else she has to deal with. She writes it off as overexertion, despite how her body burns. By the end of the second day, the feeling has all but faded. With the pain gone, she has no reason to worry about its source.

Not until it returns.

\--

Her first theory is it is She-ra. She-ra is two feet taller than her, it would make sense for her body to hurt after returning to normal.

But it does not happen every time she becomes She-ra. Only when she has a rough fight. It is not until after the fight with Catra at the sea gate that she realizes.

The pain has been throbbing and building as they work their way home. By the time they reach Bright Moon, Adora has to grit her teeth against the fire running across her face, arm, and back. Glimmer proposes a celebratory ice cream dinner, and Adora declines, strain in her voice.

Bow and Glimmer look rightly worried. Adora does not turn down food – especially not sweets. Adora cannot tell them the truth. She cannot allow herself to have such a weakness – especially one she does not understand. And if her growing theory is right, how would they react to finding out She-ra is not as strong as they thought she was?

The problem is not She-ra. The problem is Adora. She is too weak to wield her.

Adora makes an excuse about being exhausted and hurries to her room. It takes all her energy to heave her bedroom door closed behind her. When she finally releases the breath she had been holding since setting foot in the castle, it almost comes out as a sob. She covers her mouth with her hand, ignoring the way it makes the invisible lines across her cheek ache. At some point, she had pressed her back to the door, and now she sits slumped against it on the floor.

This pain is different from the others. Her other injuries had been aches that stretched beneath her skin. Now it feels like fire burns from beneath the lines Catra’s claws had made. Adora pushes herself off the floor, stumbling towards the mirror on the other side of the room. Cautiously, she checks her reflection, and then peels herself out of her jacket and compression top. Her back aches too much for her to make a move to remove her sports bra. She turns, looking over her shoulder despite the way her neck protests.

Her back greets her. A few littered scars, one burn mark, and two moles scattered beneath her shoulder blades, but all the marks are old. No new, bleeding gashes, or even half-closed over scars to mark where the fire runs beneath her skin.

\--

It is not hard to decipher, after that. She-ra has healing powers, but she does not know how to use them. Not on others, and apparently, not on herself. When she changes forms, the wounds disappear, but the pain lingers. Sometimes just for a few hours, sometimes for an entire day or two.

It is not like she is not used to pain. Eventually, she _will_ learn how to heal, but until then, she grits her teeth and bares it. It is easier than it should be, she knows that now. This kind of thing was just standard in Horde – if you had an injury, you pushed through it. If you had a weakness, you hid it.

And how would she even tell the people relying on her that she is not strong enough to carry She-ra? The sword does not work for anyone else, Glimmer _tried_. She has to be the one to bear it. It is better that they never know, that they believe she is strong enough to do this.

If the aches are still there when she next turns into She-ra, the pain disappears. Sometimes it feels like a high. Other times it scares her. Whenever she reverts, it all comes crashing down with a vengeance. She throws too-wide smiles at the end of battles to hide grimaces. It is not like she gets injured in every fight and she is perfectly willing to take it when she does. They never have to know.

\--

As conflicted as she was about it, Shadow Weaver taught her how to heal. She _healed_ Shadow Weaver.

She can tell the other woman is still in pain. Even knowing how to do it now, it seems the healing process was always meant to be painful. The next time she gets injured as She-ra, she swallows hard to brace herself before she reverts back. She expects it to hurt just as much as every other time, but a traitorous part of her heart tells her it won’t, that she can _heal_ now.

The injuries are not even the worst she has sustained in the war. The pain still nearly knocks her off her feet because no matter how she tried, she still let a part of her mind believe it wouldn’t hurt, and it betrayed her.

Like always, Adora grits her teeth and bears it. The pain is usually just lingering throbbing or soreness. When her skin actually breaks – when claws rake across her arm, or cheek, always hitting her _heart_ regardless of the actual location – it feels like lines of fire beneath her perfect, unmarred flesh. Sometimes she wishes that her body would just heal naturally, pain spread out over time and more bearable. She _has_ to bear it though. Adora has to be strong enough to handle She-ra’s wounds.

Outright pain has never bothered her. Catra’s claws pricking across her skin - when they were kids and she didn’t know better, or they were teenagers and she _did_ , but she was swiping at her on purpose and in play – never bothered her. Sometimes it _excited_ her even, a feeling she is starting understand more and more as time goes on and she has been apart from Catra. The fire of non-existent wounds is different, hard to push through in a way no other pain is, despite being less intense than the pain of the open wound before it closes over.

This is just the way healing is – the way She-ra is. Though it hurts, the pain always fades away completely within a day or two. She can manage it.

\--

The second time she heals someone she knows, it is Bow. The pulse bot has wrecked him, and Adora heals him just like she did Shadow Weaver. Glimmer asks why he is not better. Adora tries to explain that magic or not, he is going to need time to recover. Glimmer never seems to absorb the implications of her statement.

Two weeks later, Bow does. He comes to visit her in her room as she sulks after Glimmer tries to use her as bait, _again_. It didn’t work, and no pain lingers under her skin from a fight that never happened.

“I never got to thank you for healing me. Not when I could talk properly, anyway,” Bow opens, coming to sit on the love seat she has shoved to the center of the room and been doing jumping exercises over.

She has to get her frustration out _somehow_. Besides, She-ra needs to stay in shape.

“You don’t need to thank me for that, Bow,” Adora counters. What kind of friend would she be if she hadn’t?

Bow does not seem convinced. He just looks at her, expression a bit grim. Adora pauses, turning away from her desk and sending him a questioning look. “You’re welcome?” she tries again. He really did not need to thank her, but maybe he just needs her to accept it. Bow sighs. His expression does not soften.

“I got better, but it still hurt,” he says, like Adora does not _know_. Adora stares at him, waiting for the rest. Bow visibly gives up, barely stopping short of throwing his hands in the air. “Is it always like that, Adora? When you heal She-ra’s wounds?” he asks, exasperated with Adora’s lack of comprehending.

Adora feels herself still as her mind goes running down pathways, trying to find the right answer to this question. It is too late. Bow is already looking at her with clear distress. He knows what she is avoiding saying. “Why didn’t you tell us?” he asks, his voice a bit _broken_. He sounds hurt. Adora winces, hanging her head a little.

“I didn’t want you to worry. It always fades within a day or two. You needed a lot more healing than I usually do. My aches are not that bad,” Adora tries to assure him. Bow releases a pained sound that makes it very clear she failed. She winces, meeting his eyes again to find the distress and hurt blatant.

“Adora, when we noticed you were being stiff after battles, you said sometimes She-ra makes you a bit _sore_. That was not _soreness_ ,” Bow admonishes. Adora shrugs, a bit sheepish but still unashamed. She feels bad for making Bow worry, even now. She is fine, and she would have kept hiding it if he had never experienced it himself.

“Sometimes it _is_ just soreness. It usually is not enough to bother me unless I bled. Aside from that, it is just aches. I had some worse growing pains during puberty,” Adora tries. It is all true, even if she still downplaying it. Puberty was a nightmare for her because of just _how bad_ the pain was from how quickly she shot up, but Bow doesn’t know that and she doubts he will be asking Catra any time soon.

Bow narrow his eyes at her. “And when your skin _does_ break?” he questions. Adora sighs, knowing she is visibly exasperated herself now.

“It is like an ache, but it burns. That is the only time it really bothers me. It is _fine_ , Bow. I have been dealing with it for two years without you guys even noticing,” she points out. Bow actually flinches at that and Adora scrambles. “I didn’t _want_ you to. I hid it as best as I could. If we are going to win this war, we can’t hold She-ra back because of some _aches_ ,” she adds. Bow looks pityingly at her.

Adora tries again. “I’ll tell you from now on, okay? When it aches or burns or whatever. We need She-ra, Bow. I can’t stop. It is not bad enough that I would want to even if we didn’t need her,” she offers, hoping it is enough. Bow sighs, but he looks resigned.

“Okay. But you _have_ to tell me, Adora,” he agrees. Adora breathes her own sigh of relief. Bow stands slowly, pausing before crossing the distance between them to hug her firmly. She pulls him in close, hugging him back, reveling in what little physical contact she gets these days. When she first got to Bright Moon it had been near-overwhelming, but she had grown used to it eventually. With the war amping up, with her and Glimmer arguing and things only getting worse, the physical contact she has grown accustomed to has fallen away, and she finds herself missing it.

It doesn’t help that she is longing for a _specific_ touch, a brush of a tail or playful shove that she had experienced again after so long in the portal.

When Bow pulls away, Adora lets him go instantly despite how she wants to pull him closer. Bow sends her one last concerned look. “Are you sure?” he asks. Adora nods, but she hesitates and Bow catches it, turning back to her with concern.

“Please don’t tell Glimmer. She already thinks I’m useless as anything but bait anyway,” Adora asks him, open and pleading. Bow winces, brow drawing together as he looks down.

“She doesn’t think that, not really, no matter what she says. But… I won’t tell her. Not while you two are fighting, at least. She has all the clues to figure it out herself anyway,” he agrees. Adora breathes a sigh of relief.

\--

Adora does follow through on her promise to tell Bow – mostly – but it is not until after Prime’s ship that it really comes up again. It is the first breakfast Catra is joining them for, the second meal overall, and Adora purposefully made room for her beside her. The food is mostly just rations, not very good but still better than what they grew up with in the Fright Zone. Even if it were brown ration bars, Adora would not mind, not with Catra by her side again, the memory of Catra curled in her arms last night as she asked her to _stay_ still fresh in her mind.

Adora is in a good mood, despite the end of the world hanging over them. Bow decides to ruin it.

“So, Adora, you had to be She-ra yesterday,” he points out in between bites. Adora pauses, staring at him.

“Yes?” she asks, because they were all _there_. By her side, Catra is looking between the two of them questioningly. Bow raises an eyebrow at her and it clicks.

Absolutely not. She does not want to do this now, not with Catra by her side, not with Catra within _earshot_. Almost all of her worst injuries were Catra’s fault. She does not want to throw the lingering effects of them in her face, not now she is _here_. Adora didn’t care about the injuries at the time, and she certainly does not now. She was desensitized to pain shortly after she could walk.

Adora tries to deflect, sending Bow a heated look in warning as she speaks. “I’m not sore today. It was fine,” she says, pointedly. The soreness everyone already knows about, except Catra. Everyone but _Bow_ thinks it is just something that goes hand-in-hand with when she exerts too much as She-ra.

Bow sighs. He looks apologetic, but he still _says it_. “I promised not to say anything while you and Glimmer were fighting. I can’t keep hiding this, Adora. Not like you did,” he tells her, a bit pleading. Adora feels both Catra’s and Glimmer’s accusing gazes on her. Entrapta and Wrong Hordak are watching too, but they are mostly passive.

Adora glares at Bow. He seems undeterred.

“Adora, what is he talking about?” Glimmer asks, cautious and _guilty_. Adora winces, but when she makes eye contact all she finds is grim acceptance. Glimmer thinks _she_ did something wrong, and yeah, okay, on a _grand scale_ maybe she has, but not in this.

Adora sighs. She doesn’t risk sending a glance to Catra beside her, not when she can still feel Catra’s eyes on her. “Remember when Bow got hit with that pulse bot and I had to heal him?” she asks Glimmer. Glimmer’s brow draws in confusion now, but she nods. “And how even after he still hurt? And I told you he was still going to need time to recover?” she adds. She doesn’t want to draw this out, but she also does not want to _say it_. She is not sure _how_ to say it, not to someone who does not know and not without accidentally triggering Catra into leaving again like she did last night.

Glimmer still does not get it, though. She raises her eyebrow in a clear _well?_ gesture. By Adora’s side, Catra finally speaks up.

“She-ra’s wounds heal, but the pain stays. Right, Adora?” Catra clarifies, voice a bit small as she shifts to tuck her knees in against her chest and wrap her arms around them. Adora suddenly could not give a shit about Glimmer’s reaction. She is too busy watching the way Catra’s ears have dropped.

“It takes a day or two to fade. Usually it is just soreness and exhaustion. I didn’t get injured yesterday. I’m fine today,” Adora agrees, watching Catra closely. Catra does not look back, gaze fixed down on the meal between them. She is avoiding eye contact with Adora and they both know it. Adora wants nothing more than to reach across the gap between them, but she does not. She needs to leave the contact they have up to Catra right now. At least while she is still fighting occasional flashes of green as her mind gets used to being free again after the chip.

Catra’s tail sweeps to the side to lightly flick against her back. Adora breathes a sigh of relief at Catra being okay enough to close the gap and she sees some of the tension release from Catra’s shoulders in response. She was worried if Adora would notice the cautious gesture, maybe. A ridiculous worry, considering how attuned Adora is to her after so long an absence, but she knows she has a reputation for being oblivious.

“Why didn’t you tell us, Adora?” Glimmer asks. She sounds a bit hurt, the same way Bow had when he found out. Adora sighs, looking over at Glimmer again.

“We needed She-ra. It was nothing I couldn’t push through. Besides, it is fine when I’m She-ra. It only hits after I revert. I didn’t want you to think I wasn’t strong enough to wield her, or that I would let a little pain get in the way of what was needed,” Adora admits. Catra stills beside her. Glimmer looks pained before her. Adora does not want to look at the pain that she caused in her friend. She turns her gaze towards Catra instead.

Catra _also_ looks pained, but her eyes are a bit wide and her ears limp as open realization hits her face. It takes her a moment to process whatever epiphany she just had, but when she meets Adora’s gaze there is something shining behind her eyes, something Adora almost wants to call _hope_.

“You’re an idiot,” she says. Adora distinctly remembers Catra saying those words to her on Prime’s ship, and how much hope they had lit within her that she could maybe still bring Catra home.

“Yeah, I know,” she replies, softer as she echoes it this time. Catra shakes her head. She looks a bit frustrated as she sends a soft glare Adora’s way. The _hope_ is still there.

“No, you don’t. The Rebellion was not going to collapse if you let yourself rest _a day_. They did fine for decades before you. You can let yourself have a moment to recover _sometimes_ ,” she admonishes. She sounds a bit bitter, definitely annoyed, but her voice is still soft. Adora feels her breath catch, but despite the conflict clearly playing out in Catra, despite the conflict within herself, she can’t just _accept_ it.

“Then what good am I, if I’m taking _rest days_? Did those get instated in the Horde after I left? You know why I couldn’t stop, Catra,” Adora shoots back. Catra is outright glaring at her now, but her tail is still against her back, even if its tip is flicking in irritation now, and she has made no move to leave yet.

“I _know why_ , and it is _Shadow Weaver_. You can lie to yourself all you want, but this isn’t about you. This is about how worthless she made you feel unless you were fulfilling her expectations. Take it from someone _who knows_ ,” Catra shoots back. She does stand now, tail lashing as she turns on her heel and leaves the room. Just before she makes it out of sight, Adora catches her dropping on all fours to _run_.

Adora sighs, dropping her head into her hands. “Thanks, Bow,” she mutters, even though she doesn’t really _blame_ him.

“I think that was good actually? And I think she was right, too,” Bow returns, voice a bit hopeful. Adora looks up to glare at him, but she does not have the energy when she catches sight of his pleading look. Her shoulders collapse with her sigh.

He might be right. _Catra_ might be.

\--

Adora does not notice the pain at first. She pulls Catra into her arms, holding her close as the magic buzzes around them. She collapses to the ground with Catra and Glimmer and Bow, and they all laugh with the unrestrained joy of being alive.

Adora turns on her side, looking down at Catra, and Catra turns onto her own side to meet her, a cautious hope sparking in her eyes. Adora is the one to lean forward this time, kissing her softly. Catra lets out a soft breath against her, leaning in to meet her, and it feels _right_ even as a wolf whistle rises from behind them.

It is on the way back to Bright Moon she feels it creeping up on her. There are far too many of them for Glimmer to reasonably teleport, and they aren’t far, especially cutting through the Whispering Woods and taking advantage of its shifting landscape. The sore numbness starts creeping into her limbs and she idly flexes her muscles, trying to keep it at bay, trying to assure her body it is fine now.

Catra notices, but she doesn’t quite realize _why_. Cautiously, she reaches her hand out for Adora’s twitching fingers. Adora feels her breath catch as Catra takes her hand. She squeezes back, trying to contain the smile on her face and utterly _failing_ if the way Catra flushes and rolls her eyes is any indication. The pain does not bother her so much anymore.

The exhaustion creeps in just as slowly. The entire group is flagging by the time they catch sight of Bright Moon through the gaps in the trees. As the exhaustion begins to take over, the pain gets harder to ignore, and harder to hide. She can feel her face hardening to hold back a grimace.

“Adora,” Catra says softly at her side, drawing her attention instantly. When their eyes meet, Catra is obviously concerned. “It’s the pain, isn’t it?” she asks, voice quiet. Adora releases a shaking breath and nods. Catra hesitates, and then she cautiously steps closer, dropping Adora’s hand to wrap an arm around her waist, _supporting her_.

Adora doesn’t decide to, but she sags against her. “I can walk,” she tries, despite the way she leans into Catra. Catra glares at her as she starts to guide them back into the heart of the group.

“Can and should are two different things, take it from me,” Catra mutters.

\--

By the middle of the next day, Glimmer has _ordered_ Catra to sit in Adora’s lap to keep her still. With Catra able to read her so easily, with Catra _knowing_ , her bullshit just is not flying anymore. Everyone can tell she is in pain because Catra _tells them_ , plain as day and glaring at Adora.

“This is what happens when you don’t take care of yourself. You force your friends to gang up on you,” she tells her from her perch in Adora’s lap.

Because Adora is an obnoxious _shit_ deep down, she tightens her arms around Catra’s waist and raises an eyebrow at her. “You aren’t exactly in the _friend_ category anymore,” she points out, because the thought still makes her a bit giddy. Catra flushes and whacks her side with her tail. Adora just laughs, pulling her a bit closer and unbothered by being weighed down into her seat. If Catra had just tried sitting her lap, she might have effectively trapped She-ra much sooner.

The pain fades after a day, even from the ghosts of the cuts she had sustained. The exhaustion fades after three. Despite still feeling a need to _help_ , Adora stays in the castle like her friends ask. She can still do things from within its walls, even if She-ra is a bit absent from reconstruction efforts at first. She spends her almost-rest days trying to get a handle on her new way of summoning She-ra, specifically on keeping her _down_ whenever Catra does something that makes her heart burst unexpectedly, and spending as much time with Catra and her friends as she can.

Adora expects to feel more guilty about it, but when Catra enters the bedroom that is now _theirs_ at the end of the first week and spots her just _sitting_ , looking over some old maps she initially acquired for battle planning but is now studying for their craftsmanship, her girlfriend’s eyes are so soft it makes Adora’s heart skip. She finds herself at a loss for words as tension eases out of Catra’s shoulders and she is crossing the room in quick strides, climbing into Adora’s lap and kissing her firmly.

Adora does not question it, her hands coming up to support Catra’s waist as she kisses her back just as passionately.

“You’re here,” Catra breathes when they pull apart.

“Where else would I be?” Adora questions, raising an eyebrow. Catra rolls her eyes.

“You’re _sitting_ ,” she clarifies, tone edging toward _you dumbass_. “You’re still and the world hasn’t ended.”

It has actually damn-near ended three times, but Adora does not point that out. She just snorts, rubbing her thumbs in small circles on Catra’s back. “You were right, about me needing to be useful to- justify myself. I told you I was trying to be better. To let myself want, so I can love you the way I really want to. And right now, I want to try to map the stars,” Adora tells her. They had this conversation on the second night, after Adora nearly overwhelmed Catra with her affection that morning. Adora had assured her she _always_ felt like that, always wanted to show it, but that she understood if it was too much. Catra had assured her she wanted to feel it, to experience Adora’s love the way she wants to give it, but that she might take awhile to adjust to letting herself be loved.

Adora is learning to let herself want, and Catra is learning to trust she can be loved. They can grow together.

“Is that _all_ you want to do right now?” Catra questions, leaning back to throw her a playful smile. It occurs to Adora, suddenly, that Melog had turned around and walked right back out the door as soon as Catra had caught sight of her. They are alone.

“No, not by a longshot,” Adora replies, sliding her hands down to Catra’s thighs to pick her up and carry her towards the bed.

When letting herself rest has these kinds of rewards, it makes it easier to fight twenty years of conditioning. Then again, she has always been good at giving in to Catra.

**Author's Note:**

> Somehow this fic turned into the moment Catra realized Adora’s hero complex is actually self-worth issues, since that realization always interested me as something she clearly realized during season five but wasn't explicitly shown. I will always be thinking about her shouting “Adora can’t even take care of herself” at the failsafe.  
> Other fics this mentions/references: [Adora’s super-speed puberty](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25761502/chapters/62562868), [Glimmer ordering Catra to sit in Adora’s lap](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25535140), [Adora turning into She-ra and overwhelming Catra with her love](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25498135).  
> I started writing this fic in JUNE I'm so glad to have it finally posted.


End file.
